Comfort Me With Offal

Apparently, TMZ dug up some decade-old photos of me in the nude in a pool with Thomas Keller. Just be glad they didn’t publish the one of Mario Batali doing a naked canonball. Still gives me nightmares.

Cooking in Everyday English: Rejected Book Titles

Chef Todd English’s new book, Cooking in Everyday English, is out today.

According to an internal memo we obtained, the following alternate titles were rejected by the publisher:

English Only

Se Habla Inglés

English Lessons

English for Dummies

Introduction to English

Olde English

Broken English

The Idiot’s Guide to English

English Class

Spanglish

5 Ways to Improve “The Chew”

Here are five simple ways that ABC can quickly turn around the disaster that is “The Chew”:

1. Shackle Mario Batali to the kitchen counter so he can’t escape to go golfing.

2. Get rid of Daphne Oz and bring in Frank Oz, who can do the voice of Animal from the Muppet Show.

3. Less Ester C. More Special K.

4. Bring back Michael Symon’s soul patch. The show is soulless without it.

5. More cowbell.

Mein Fanf

Although a bit douchey, Alton Brown has done an impressive thing by publishing his “Fanifesto” detailing exactly how fans should deal with him on his book tour. I thought I would expand on it with “Mein Fanf,” some rules for how fans should treat all celebrity chefs.

• Please don’t ask a celebrity chef to talk to someone on the phone. Unless, that is, you have Ferran Adria on the line. God, I can talk to that guy for hours.

• When a celebrity chef is on book tour, keep physical contact to a minimum, unless you are bearing foie gras. Then, all bets are off.

• If you go to a book signing with Nigella Lawson, try not to fall into her cleavage. You may never get out.

• Bring a first aid kit to all Paula Deen events. There’s a high probability you will be deep-fried.

• Yes, celebrity chefs will sign things besides books. Spoons, cutting boards, mixers, you name it. Most won’t sign living things except for Todd English. That guy will sign your private parts.

• Please don’t talk to celebrity chefs in a public restroom. That’s what private restrooms are for.

• When tackling large book signings, celebrity chefs try to move fast. But, they will often ask the hottest men or women to come to the front of the line so that they can get them into bed at a decent hour. This means some of you will have to wait a little longer. Thank you in advance for your patience.

•Do: Rub Tom Colicchio’s head with the finest extra virgin olive oil. Don’t: Put barrettes in his soul patch.

• If you are lucky enough to hang out with a celebrity chef and smoke some tangerine zest, always pass it on the left.

•If Mario Batali asks you to shave his truffles, you do it.

• When it’s over, it’s over. Celebrity chefs will stay to the last, but then they simply must be going. In most cases, they need to go and Purell their hands for a few hours after shaking so many of yours.

Ruth

Is Frank Bruni Biased Toward Paula Deen?

I noticed something odd about Frank Bruni’s headshot when reading his latest op-ed column.

I’m not saying he’s definitely under Paula Deen’s influence, but look what happens when you zoom in on his collar. Isn’t that sort of strange?