Dear RuBo: I’m a Horrible Stepmother in Need of Validation from the New York Times!
In the New York Times, Florence Fabricant gives advice on the fine points of entertaining at home and eating in restaurants. Here, Ruth Bourdain takes those questions and gives her own fucking answers.
Q. I have remarried and live in a family home with my new husband’s twin 18-year-old daughters. (They live here part time.) He and I had gone out to dinner and I did not finish my meal, so I asked to take the items home. Once at home, I had placed the leftovers in the refrigerator to enjoy the next day. The next morning one of the girls decided to treat herself to my leftovers without asking. I thought this was rude and disrespectful, to munch on a meal that was not her own. But my husband found nothing wrong with this and felt that leftovers in the fridge were an open invitation to anyone to enjoy. Am I being petty or stingy? Are there any etiquette rules on this situation? How can I handle this?
A. What the fuck is wrong with you? What’s next? Writing your name on your food with a sharpie? These are not your college roommates. This is your new so-called “family home” and these girls are your fucking stepchildren! Now, why don’t you think of this as a golden opportunity. If they want to share your leftovers, then their stash of weed is completely fair game. Am I right?
Q. My wife and I have been to Le Bernardin six or seven times, and each time we had a sublime dinner with superb service. The last time we went, we asked one of her colleagues to accompany us (she picked up the tab), and it was disappointing. We were seated at a table beside a noisy wait station, and the wine steward (young and obviously inexperienced) brought out a warm bottle of white wine. When we pointed it out, he put it in a cooler for about 10 minutes, which was inadequate. I thought about writing to Eric Ripert about the experience, but because we were guests, I never did. Should we have said something to the owner?
A. First of all, I should make a few disclosures of some potential conflicts of interest in answering this question: Eric Ripert is a longtime friend and former lover; he exclusively provides me with free squid ink hair dye; and his wife’s “family gang” is hunting me down with knives for some remarks I made on Twitter.
Now, I do fucking hate it when my wine is not chilled properly. What did they expect you to do, put some fucking ice in it or some stupid shit like that? Jesus! This is what you should have done: summon the wine steward over, grab his left hand and force it into your glass. If the wine is warm enough to make him pee in his pants, then calmly ask for a new bottle.
Q. I have an infamously frugal friend who is known to eat out with our group of friends, order one entree and no drink to have a low tab. (We always get separate checks.) Yet she has this terrible habit of eating the appetizers that other people order, without contributing financially. Last month she not only wanted to try the expensive appetizer of one couple, but she also ate half of it. When the bill came, the frugal friend only put in for her entree, tax and tip. The couple ordering the appetizer didn’t say anything because they felt responsible for paying for it, since it was their idea to order it. I think that those who share in an appetizer should chip in a few bucks at check time commensurate with how much of it they eat. Is there a way to nip this kind of “appetizer entitlement” behavior in the bud next time, and who is the best person to speak up about it and at what point?
A. Make her pay or stop inviting her. Does this have to be so fucking complicated? Sometimes I wish I could just move to the country and eat (savory) matzo brei all day.
