Comfort Me With Offal

Mein Fanf

Although a bit douchey, Alton Brown has done an impressive thing by publishing his “Fanifesto” detailing exactly how fans should deal with him on his book tour. I thought I would expand on it with “Mein Fanf,” some rules for how fans should treat all celebrity chefs.

• Please don’t ask a celebrity chef to talk to someone on the phone. Unless, that is, you have Ferran Adria on the line. God, I can talk to that guy for hours.

• When a celebrity chef is on book tour, keep physical contact to a minimum, unless you are bearing foie gras. Then, all bets are off.

• If you go to a book signing with Nigella Lawson, try not to fall into her cleavage. You may never get out.

• Bring a first aid kit to all Paula Deen events. There’s a high probability you will be deep-fried.

• Yes, celebrity chefs will sign things besides books. Spoons, cutting boards, mixers, you name it. Most won’t sign living things except for Todd English. That guy will sign your private parts.

• Please don’t talk to celebrity chefs in a public restroom. That’s what private restrooms are for.

• When tackling large book signings, celebrity chefs try to move fast. But, they will often ask the hottest men or women to come to the front of the line so that they can get them into bed at a decent hour. This means some of you will have to wait a little longer. Thank you in advance for your patience.

•Do: Rub Tom Colicchio’s head with the finest extra virgin olive oil. Don’t: Put barrettes in his soul patch.

• If you are lucky enough to hang out with a celebrity chef and smoke some tangerine zest, always pass it on the left.

•If Mario Batali asks you to shave his truffles, you do it.

• When it’s over, it’s over. Celebrity chefs will stay to the last, but then they simply must be going. In most cases, they need to go and Purell their hands for a few hours after shaking so many of yours.

Ruth

Ruth’s Rules: Getting Gastro-Stoned

Kim Severson recently reported in the New York Times on the culinary glories of indulging in drugs and food. It is a fascinating and groundbreaking piece of journalism worthy of a Pulitzer prize, if not a Nobel.

But, bear in mind that there is a right way and a wrong way to combine mind-altering substances and gastronomy. Consider these basic rules for the beginning gastro-stoner:

Do use cocaine to increase your speed when beating egg whites to stiff peaks.

Don’t freebase nearby a grass grill.

While waiting for no-knead bread to rise, inject yourself with horse tranquilizer.

Choose your drug and food pairings wisely. For example, pair Thai sticks with Pad Thai, hashish with corned beef hash, and opiates with poppy seed bagels.

To avoid cross-contamination, store your herb separately from your herbs.

When serving cocaine at a formal dinner, always place the coke spoon to the outside of the soup spoon.

When serving meats paired with methamphetamines, cut the meat into bite-size portions and be sure to remove all knives from the table.

When stoned, always shop the middle aisles of the supermarket to find highly-processed snack foods that are high in salt, fat, and HFCS.

Drink the bong water.

This is by no means a complete list of all the rules one should follow to experience drugs while cooking or dining. Think of them as basic principles to guide you on a lifelong adventure of good taste and good times.

Ruth’s Rules: A Culinary Kama Sutra

My good friend Michael Ruhlman has written eloquently about the art of lovemaking while roasting a chicken. It’s a philosophy of living that combines cooking, multitasking, and horniness, and it’s one that, as you might imagine, I’ve totally fucking embraced.

There’s no need to limit yourself to sex while preparing just one dish, however. In fact, once you begin to think about it, there is plenty of downtime in the kitchen that can be exploited for sexual gratification. Here are some basic rules to follow to get more sex into your life while cooking:

While roasting a chicken…have sex.*

While braising short ribs…have a three-way.

While roasting a turkey…have an orgy.

While toasting a bagel…rub up against the counter.

While steaming rice…pleasure yourself.

While steeping tea…get teabagged.

While boiling water for pasta…get a blow job.

While boiling the pasta…give a blow job.

While making an omelet…peek at nude photos of Jacques Pepin.

While warming a corn tortilla…imagine Rick Bayless doing yoga in the buff.

While grinding coffee…goose somebody.

While grinding spices…get goosed.

This is by no means a complete list of every single opportunity to experience sexual pleasure while cooking. The idea is to get you thinking about it, and once you do, you will never see cooking in the same way.

*Clean your hands thoroughly to avoid cross-contamination.